Googling the word “redemption” gave me the following: the action of
saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil. Jesus died to take away our
sin. How many times do we speak and hear this phrase in a day? It rolls off the
tongue without even a thought. In another unlikely moment, my fellow teaching
assistant (who is from Russia) told me after class one day that she had never
understood why Jesus had to die on the cross. It was a sad story and all, she
said, but what did we humans get out of it? I told her very basically that
Jesus paid the price for our sins and that because of his death and
resurrection we humans could go to heaven when we die, as could all the righteous
people who died before the time of Christ, who had had to wait in the realm of
the dead for him to free them.[1]
This was all so basic to me—I couldn’t imagine how anybody knew anything about Jesus
without understanding the central point of what he did for us.
Without understanding, I say. Yes, I understood. But did I really? Looking
back on what have been the things that have kept me Christian (specifically
Catholic), over the last few years I would always say the Eucharist and the
Resurrection. The idea of being freed from my sins was always there, always
present, but apparently not as central to my faith as other aspects. But not to
worry—I soon found myself in a situation which reminded me to better appreciate
this central message of the cross.
I am a pretty regular confession-goer. I try to make it a routine (in the
sense of a good habit) and never stay too far away from this sacrament. Over
the past year, however, confession had become sort of a routine for me in the
negative sense. My most absurd point was once when, according to my schedule, I
needed to go to confession, but my mind was drawing a blank on what to confess.
Always the same old stuff. Finally I ended up confessing not petting my cat
enough! The priest laughed at (with) me, though as a cat lover himself, he
understood how those lonely meows for my attention might plague my conscience…
A couple weeks before my Koinonia retreat, however, I actually confessed
something of which I was very deeply ashamed. So ashamed that I would not go to
any of our chaplains, nor to any priest face-to-face. That was the hardest
confession I’d made in a long time, and the priest was actually quite stern
with me. I came out of the confessional and sobbed through Mass, hating my
guts—knowing I’d been forgiven, but not quite feeling it yet, and wondering
where to go from here. I remember just staring at the crucifix in the chapel
and thinking, God, you can change me. What else did you die for except to
change me? What I had confessed was more of a sinful attitude than an isolated
action—attitudes can be very stubborn, and I knew I couldn’t change it on my
own. All I could do was dump my mess at the feet of the cross and beg God to
transform it somehow.
On my retreat I was honored to hear some of the most intense stories of
spiritual struggle and ongoing conversion I’ve ever heard in real life. At this
point in the weekend, I became very aware of the fact that faith is not just a
game or pastime, and that the message of the cross is not just an inspirational
quote. (Actually, this kind of made my
retreat.) As luck or the Holy Spirit would have it, I was scheduled to lead a
discussion section on St. Augustine’s Confessions
the very next Friday. I don’t think any TA was ever so on fire while writing
her lesson plan! I wanted desperately to convey to my students the immediate
relevancy of Augustine’s story of conversion, which is so completely
contemporary despite the fact that so many of the students found his writing
style boring because of the many bible quotes and “repetitive” exclamations
praising God.
To adapt our discussion of confession and conversion to the secular
classroom, I referred to the confessions of politicians, TV personalities and
nationally known convicted criminals. I asked my students how believable they
found these confessions and (sometimes) subsequent conversions, and whether or
not they believed that personal change on the scale of the Confessions was possible. One section was more optimistic, the
other more skeptical. I also asked what society’s reaction to certain
conversions said about our collective belief in personal change. While we
discussed the story of Kelly Gissandaner, for example, who was executed in Georgia last year
for plotting her husband’s murder but who experienced a conversion through
studying theology in prison, one of my students exactly stated the point I was
implicitly trying to make with that example: a society that supports capital
punishment is not one for whom redemption and conversion are real, because it
would kill even those who have reformed their lives (supposedly the point of the
prison system). This, however, is just one of the many ways by which we can
measure our belief in God’s transformative power. Every day we are met with
plenty of less dramatic opportunities to forgive others and to work with God in
bettering ourselves. To every Christian (including myself) for whom the Cross
is in danger of becoming a mere ornament, I would ask the question inspired by
my atheist English professor: Do you believe in redemption? How are your
actions, choices and attitudes formed by this belief?
[1]
For a solid introduction or a rich refresher on the redemptive aspects of Christ’s
death, see the Catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraphs 599-623. For his descent
to the dead, see paragraphs 632-637.
